I was once in a super messy and unexplainable relationship thing that left me hating Facebook for a long time. Granted, I was younger and definitely less confident about myself than I am now but little things used to irritate me about the way we communicated on Facebook. It should be noted that when we first started dating err.. he soon left to work in Europe for the summer. I’d never had to deal with a long distance relationship so I didn’t know what to expect or how to act. Despite my inhibitions, he was able to convince me that things would work out and that my mid-summer visit wouldn’t be that far away. I digressed.
Soon after he left I changed my relationship status to ‘In a relationship with…’ Facebook then sent him the message to confirm which went unanswered. I was annoyed. I asked everyday why he wouldn’t just make it publicly known that we were together and I was met with the seemingly reasonable response, ‘We don’t need a stupid Facebook status to make our relationship real.’ I know this and knew it back then but I couldn’t help wonder why it was such a fight to get him to oblige. Eventually he gave in – we were officially in a relationship.
Things were good for a week or two – but he soon began to pry at wall posts, photos and any other news feed story that included any other guy (even his friends). I found myself justifying every single thing that appeared on my news feed – it only got worse. He called me (for the first time) early one morning insisting that I give him my password because ‘my Facebook interaction was sketchy and he wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing anything behind his back’. I kept thinking about what I could possibly have done to make him feel so insecure about us – and in a desperate attempt to ease his mind I gave him the password. I didn’t know what kind of abuse I was lending myself when I gave him this precious piece of information. He went straight to my messages inbox; I suppose this was the mecca for excuses as to why I was untrustworthy. Sure, I had messages from my guy friends inviting me to parties or have dinner – but isn’t that what friends do? When he accused me of cheating I became frazzled: I was running out of tangible ways to prove that I was NOT cheating. He gave me an ultimatum; erase all the guys from my Facebook list or we break up. I absolutely refused – I had way too many friends to go through my list and delete them all – yes, that was my thought process. Rather than consider how ridiculous his request was – I thought about how tedious the task would be. Sure enough, he volunteered to do it for me. I let him.
Here I was, sans male presence on my Facebook and a relationship status that had been changed to ‘Single‘. I couldn’t believe it – I sacrificed my privacy, I eliminated all of my guy friends (some of whom I didn’t mind losing) and my coveted relationship status? He told me that until things could be reconciled for sure, our status had to be taken down. Still shocked and confused I continued to listen to his nonsense everyday about this and that. He’d call me saying that his friends spotted me at a club talking to nameless guys, he once called about me hanging out with his own friends – which was even more absurd. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know why I was still entertaining his behaviour. Rather than leave to meet him in Europe, I packed my bags and left for Barbados for an entire month. To abruptly end this story – after he shredded one of my dresses to pieces (declaring that it was too short), cheating on me multiple times and denying that we were dating to numerous people – I realized this wasn’t for real – oh, and that I was a complete idiot.
As mentioned, I stayed away from Facebook for awhile – in retrospect, I think I was astonished at the amount of damage the info on my profile caused and needed to reflect how I was going to continue using social media in a less deranged way.
I started to get friend requests from my guy friends with messages like ‘Woah, why aren’t we friends anymore’ and ‘Are we cool?’ I was embarrassed. My profile was baron from the deleted photo albums, which I was okay with since some of the pics were dated and an inaccurate depiction of who I’d become (err.. crazy party, drunk photos). I stopped posting banter on people’s walls (with the exception of my daily lame video that I post to Mel’s wall) and I removed the ’single’ status on my Facebook and left it blank – it will remain that way. I began to use Facebook like I would a blog; I’d upload my homemade videos, I used notes as mini blog posts for my friends to see and I joined groups as a source of upcoming events and networking. In my mind I felt like I was using Facebook as a positive social media tool. As juvenile as it may sound, women (I can’t speak for men) can’t help using Facebook as a snooping tool. I’ve spent a lot of time scouring the profiles of guys that I’m into: analyzing their cryptic status updates wondering if they were about me. I’d peruse the photo galleries, coming across photos of the ex-girl and comparing her to me – don’t pretend that this isn’t a commonality. The thing is, the access to all of this info usually ends up driving me bonkers – that is especially if the guy is giving you super mixed signals. It sometimes comes to a point where I hide their updates from my news feed. No, I do not want to know that he is attending her birthday party (I often don’t even know who she is), No, I don’t want to know that he wrote on his ex’s wall and NO NO NO, I don’t want to know that he is back in the city and neglected to call me. Out of sight, out of mind and this is how I stop Facebook from controlling my emotions – this sounds lame.
I suppose the idea for this post is based loosely on this article I read about Facebook ads reflecting your moods and thoughts. Last week I was speaking to someone who told me that
once she changed her relationship status to single she began getting Facebook ads appearing for E-Harmony and other dating sites. Thank goodness the ads on my page are only for cupcakes!
Facebook, for me, has become less personal and more an outlet for shameless self-promotion. Although I don’t update my status every five hours (isn’t that why we use Twitter), I post my blog updates, I have photo albums again and I post links to fantastic stories and websites that I may stumble upon (ha ha ha!) This seemingly narcissistic approach to nurturing my page is comforting – I like that I populate my own page and love it even more when people check it out in their news feed and post a comment or reply. This, to me, is the ideal way to use Facebook without having the backlash of relationship woes or other detrimental issues.
Talk to me – have you had a super interesting experience with Facebook that’s made you evaluate how you use it? Do you find yourself getting obsessing over a romantic partner over information you find through Facebook? How do you deal?
C xo
